I was looking through the pages of my notebook, and I came across this letter I wrote in February. I now recall why I keep filing my schedule with activities - meeting with friends, spending time in the gym, and attending workshops/seminars. It was my way of coping with this feeling of lost.. I didn't feel like posting the letter then because I wasn't sure how I felt about the contents of this letter. To be honest, I'm still not sure how to feel about it now. But I decided to put it up --- after all, it's not all rainbows and lavender-laden prairie kind of journey for this lonely bride. I wish to shed light to some of the darkened moments, in the hope that there would be less of them. It's not easy being a future bride - but it's nice to hold on to some thread of Hope ~ ❤
28 February, 2018
Dear Future Husband,
I haven't been writing lately. This month went by in a blur, and before I realized it, it's already the last day of the month! Just like that, 2 whole months into 2018, and yet I feel like nothing much have changed. I still feel lost - I tried to fill my weekends with activities which I believe would inspire me - and my calendar organizer would show just how fully-booked my schedule is (until March!), but that unsettling void still lingers. I feel like I haven't accomplished much. I tried going to the gym as much as I can. I believe I could use the endorphins that gets released when I exercise. So for a good 2 hours, I would have a temporary solace in the gym. Also, I go out to meet with my friends. On 2 separate occasions, I've met with friends from grade school, and friends from High school (these are 2 separate group as I went to different schools then ๐). And I do feel positive when I spend time with them. But when the day is through and it's time to go home, I feel that unsettling feeling again, like it was just right there waiting to welcome me back. ๐ข
I need a major change and I need it soon. I do not wish for anything drastic, but a shift would be very much welcomed. I do not enjoy feeling tired all the time - this had been going on for quite some time now. I know there must be some way I can be at peace with what I am; with what I do; and, with what I am facing. I don't want to be lost anymore! It's very tiring to wake up everyday and just thrive. I won't even consider it a life, as it's really just thriving! ๐When the time comes to meet my Creator, I'm not sure how I would respond when I get asked what would be my most significant accomplishment. So, it's this feeling that's looming above me like some dark cloud that I can't seem to escape from.
And now as the second month of the year comes to a close, I have big hope and will be looking forward to that shift. A shift towards the direction where the good Lord intends me to be. And as I continue on with this journey, it would surely be nice to find you along the way. Here's hoping to cross paths with you soon...
~xoxo ๐
Your future bride ๐
As I was typing this, I can't help but feel grateful for my full schedule. I guess, I'm still searching for that shift, and I can't help but feel hopeless (helpless?) from time to time. Nowadays, I spend more time in the gym, and I'm feeling more positive than I did back then, when I wrote this letter. I'm grateful for the opportunities I'm being presented and the amazing people who inspire me and graciously accepted the role of being instruments of God's love to bless the world. I will continue to hold on to that thread of Hope, and believe that someday soon I would be instrumental in sharing that hope to others.
~ ๐xoxo๐ ~
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